Much Afraid

Ugh...It's been so long since I wrote anything.  My daughter Ashley, told me that she was disappointed in me. Ha!  I think she thought it would motivate me to get back in the saddle and write something.  I guess she was right cuz, here I am. :) I have so many thoughts but I either analyze them to death or I get intimidated by their intimacy.  It's very difficult for me, a private person to share publicly.  What am I afraid of: Criticism, boring people, influencing others wrongly, losing respect etc.  The negative thoughts that haunt a perfectionist and cripple me from doing or saying many things in my life.  I'm not necessarily the "throw caution to the wind" kind of person.  Caution is my middle name! That being said, this blog is an experiment in stretching.  Forcing me to come out of my comfort zone.  And sometimes, I avoid my blog because I am too comfortable keeping all my thoughts to myself.  My own little world, a safe place.  Is this a bad thing?  I don't know, but as long as there are people who want to read my blog, I will keep trying. I am 50 years old and yet, I'm still not who I want to be.  There are lyrics to a song from Sister Hazel that says "The paint on me is beginning to dry and It's not who I wanted to be".  Years go by and some old bad habits remain, some new good habits remain un-rooted.  Why is it so hard to change?  Why do I care? Sometimes I look at other people and they seem to be at peace with giving up.  They no longer try to improve themselves.  And sometimes, I envy them, but, I can't.  I cannot stop trying, working, challenging myself. So, how do you find peace, striving to be better, but accepting yourself as you are? For me?  I stopped trying to be other people.  To have all the energy as my Mom, be as skinny as a teenager, or be as spiritual as someone else.  I just stopped!  I am Sheryl.  This is who God created and loves.  My obligation is only to be the best Sheryl, that I can me.  I will never be my mom, or be that skinny, but am I being my best? Yes, I have my awful days and I'm the very worst Sheryl possible.  And then...there are the goods days.  Thankful for those days! So, in the future, I will strive to blog more, share more and let you into my head.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  (ouch...this is scaring me to death)  Maybe not all the ugly.  ;) What are you afraid, what scares you?  Please share, so I don't feel alone.